Human na ang away!

Yeah, I wish. It might never happen.

Human na ang away: the fight is over. Yeah right, keep on wishing.

This morning I followed my foster son who I will from here on out refer to as my son, because that's what he is, into his biological parents' house to try to feed him. They were already feeding him junk food, which is how this whole problem started (the fight that will never end) but I don't say anything about it anymore because I have been intimidated into not speaking when I have something to say. Or not speaking at all, for the most part, because my bayaw (brother-in-law), the biological father of my son, hasn't spoke to me voluntarily in a few years. I'm 55 so I can't tell the difference between a year and three years.

I entered my bayaw's house (ang balay sa akong bayaw) and sat down, announced to DugDug that it is time to eat: Mangaon na ta. Let's eat. No one spoke to me, which in the Philippines is an insult, maybe other places too. I have no investment in feeling insulted, dude I'm 55 yrs old so who cares. But it wears thin after a while and what bugs me most is that my little boy is being taught this twitty behavior and is in the middle of adults who should care a lot more what kind of example they are sending to their kids.

My bayaw, who I will call Dandy, is my wife Tampoka's favorite brother. She has eight of them, and three sisters, and you'd think they were married, the amount of time she spends with them. I try to avoid feeling jealous as I am a busy person, I have my hobbies, and most of my family time I give to my son because he's the one who deserves it. He just turned four and this is a crucial time for him in developing self-esteem, confidence, etc. I'm not trying to turn him into an American, and I know that Filipinos value shyness as much as they value boldness, and probably more. OK fine, I didn't speak in school till the second grade; I know more about shyness than any ten Filipinos. And Dandy is shy. I shouldn't call him that, because he is macho, but he was the spoiled baby of the family, youngest of 11, for three years till his brother was born to make it an even dozen.

Dandy is a taciturn somewhat aloof and unfriendly person, probably the quietest of all twelve and definitely the least interested in having friends or anything like that. He and my wife are both Scorpios, which just means they never question their status as knowers of everything who do NOT need to hear anyone else's opinion. So they have a little club in which I do not belong.

Without going into too much detail I'll just say that this morning I got fed up with feeling intimidated in Dandy's house and spoke to Dandy about it when the usual plea to my wife (Talk to your brother!--met by silence) got me nowhere. I went out dressed in a towel, on my way to the CR to take a bath, as I knew this would intimidate him and keep him from raising his fists or his voice. I know the value of leaving my dignity at the door and playing the fool to get what I want.

This is what I said to my bayaw, who doesn't speak to me over imagined insults of the past that involved me getting my way or trying to. The details will be saved for another day as I only have so much time for this garbage. Today is what counts most. If I am found by the side of the road with my adam's apple cut out ("salvage"), then at least there is this blog.

I strode across the yard from my house to his, we live only a few feet apart, not shouting but making sure I would be heard by anyone who could see me: "Dandy! Dandy! Bayaw!" He was in his tindahan/billiaran (store and pool hall) pouring tuba (coconut wine) from one big container into another, so it was good timing because he was not going to throw his tuba across the room like he once did to my shoe rack. Unsa man, he mumbled without looking at me. (Whaddaya want.)

I started right in. "Sa akong pagabut sa imong balay, magistorya ta!" (When I get to your house we should speak together.) Bayaw kita! (We are in-laws.) I continued in English: "I am older than you, you should show me some respect! Show me some respect!" (He's about 40.) Back to Visayan: "Human na ang away!" (The argument is over.) I rubbed his shoulder blade a little, very little as he is twitchy, he's offered to fight me four times. Human na ang away!

I went home and told my wife after my bath what I'd said in case the backbiters distorted it or omitted the facts to make me look like a demon, which they will do if they are angry at me, which Dandy always is. Did I mention that he has no friends, no barkada (group of people he hangs out with). He is liked or tolerated because his family has status in the neighborhood, but for friendship he has a wife, his kids, and more relatives than you could ever want, as well as the neighbors who populate his billiaran and tolerate him as well. He provides entertainment, so he has status and popularity whether he has close friendships or not.

I told Tampoka that I have read hundreds of psychology books, that Dandy doesn't understand his own psychology: he is shy, like many Filipinos but unlike most of them his shyness is not an act to fit in and avoid conflict. He takes it too far, uses it as an excuse to punish me and intimidate me and make me feel miserable in his presence. Tampoka is his barkada, they are very very close, many times I have told her that her brother is her real husband. She will NOT criticize him, or anyone else in her family, especially to his face. As such I am obviously not considered family as she'll do a lot more than criticize me. Don't get me started.

But she has just spent 1500 pesos (about $40) on a week's supply of medicine because she is going crazy or something and her body hurts all the time, and this morning's carnival started when she told me she loves me and I said, "Why?" and of course she gave me the silent treatment. I told her my question was sincere, I actually expected her to try and answer my question, but silence. She is absolutely allergic to answering questions. As Scorpios go, she is literally (for reals) a quadruple Scorpio. When I married her I thought she was a Sagittarius but I forgot about the time difference. She's a Scorpio through and through, on the cusp of Sagittarius. That just means that what other people want to talk about is stupid.

So of course she gets tears later on when I tell her I talked to Dandy and told her what I said. Poor little DugDug must think I treat her horribly, she gets tears or shouts and throws things whenever I try to talk to her. So I want to know why she loves me, and more to the point, why she SAYS she loves me. Because I know she wants money, and if I cave in and pay her for the medicine she bought, then she will go back to ignoring me. She's only nice when she wants something.

This is enough for today. The situation is volatile right now and always is. Less than a week ago I waited almost two hours for lunch to appear after the appointed time (Filipinos eat at NOON!) and didn't say anything, then when she called me downstairs to eat there was nothing on the table. Odd, I thought, she really did call me to eat. So I look at the stove and there's rice, and a plate with an unopened can of tuna on it. I give her this look, like, "Didn't I pay for all this food, this cooking stove and gas, these plates...I don't mind if you don't want to cook for me, but don't insult me." What I actually said was something about waiting an hour and a half for an unopened can of tuna, so she grabbed a knife and opened the can of tuna with an attitude. Body language clearly on display, as if to say, You are a schmuck and I hate you.

Well I don't eat hate food. The can of tuna was not insulting in itself, I like tuna and could eat a can of tuna dumped out on a plate with some rice mixed in, that's no blow in itself. The obvious anger with which it was offered me meant I was not going to put it in my mouth and swallow it. I called the dog, she thought I wasn't serious. So I went outside and found the dog, brought him inside, and put the tuna on the floor right next to where Tampoka was working, so she could see that I was serious about not eating insults. She picked up the washing machine and threw it at the dog! I had to stand between her and the dog so he could finish his lunch.

So I wanted to know why she says today that she loves me.